The other day my sister in law was involved in a car pileup. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't entirely her fault. Anyone who has driven down the interstate recently will have noticed how bad the debris removal crews are in their ignorance of right away and traffic control practices. They block off not ONE lane, but a LANE AND A HALF. They leave limbs in the half lane that is left for a car to pass by.

Well anyway, to make a long story short, some dumb blond chicks were on their phone, didn't notice the bottleneck, and slammed on brakes at the VERY last minute, leaving my sister in law (aka the tailgating queen) to force her hood and motor to make sweet love to the rear of the car in front of her, and causing that one in turn to do the same to the other dumb blonde in front of HER. Naturally, legality dictates that my sister in law is culpable for all three cars' damage.

*flashback to a few months ago*

"No es necesario tener aseguranza! Nadie en Laurel tiene licensia!" (It ain't necessary to have insurance, and besides no one in Laurel has a license! [meaning in the Hispanic community, but she obviously ignores the fact that her own sister Mrs. Gimp has a license.])

*fastforward to today*

I didn't sleep until 4 am this morning. I finally got in bed but was roused out at 7:40 to take sister in law to take the written (it's touch screen now) test ONE more time today. She gets three chances then has to wait a month. Well, she waits until the date with justice court to go try to take it the third and final time, just getting off the night shift, and naturally fails it by two questions AGAIN. Incidentally, even I don't know how much a spare title costs but damn, how many times does it take to pass? And plus she ended up being tended to by Big Momma, aka the geriatric bizzitch who will actually FLING papers back to you. She got there 20 minutes late and acted like it physically pained her to shuffle back to start taking numbers.

We got to justice court, and the no license/no insurance fines total in theory over $1,000 or thereabouts. The judge got there exactly one hour late, made the rubes and white trash take their NASCAR caps off, and then made us sit down.

The first case he took was a fat chick in stirrup pants who had a gait not unlike the fat cow at the drivers' license bureau. She gets up there, LEANS on the bench, yawns in the judges face, answers 'YEAH', 'NAW', and when he calls her on it and puts the gavel proverbially down her throat, you can tell she got stressed .Why? Becase the skintight Luther-esque red stirrup pants got bunched up in that monstrous butt crack. She made her pants look like they had a sideways smiley face. Everyone in the courtroom behind her was snickering, and I had to look down to chuckle to myself in silence.

I don't know how she does it, but my sister in law went to court dressed nice, still tired-as-all-getout looking, but she said 'yes sir', 'no sir', and showed where she is actually trying to get her license. He bumped the $600 insurance fine to $150 and the license fine to $80. I was SHOCKED. She took me to Signature's afterward and we got home. Since I didn't sleep until 4, I am going to bed.

Whyzeman, I know exactly who you're talking about. I saw him outside Texco hitting people up one day and thank God I had a hat pulled over my brow. He didn't recognize me and I feigned being hispanic, giving my trademark "No es-peekeen thee eenglis senor" reply, which sent him off muttering.

By the way, two of you readers, Whyze included, will appreciate this. After court, I took sister in law to drop off some paperwork at a local couny office. This short, petite and angry looking woman comes outside to smoke a Kool. She looks around, and I begin to recognize some angry hand gestures. I flashback to the days of flippin burgers, and realize I see 'Momma'. She sees me lookin at her, and proceeds to yell "GET YO A** OUT THAT CAR AND COME SEE ME!" I get out and she bear hugs me. Yep, it was Cindy. She's working at a local county office and we caught up on 12 years of gossip about every single person we all worked with. She said to tell both of you two hello.